Thursday, October 23, 2008

Better your life

I read a portion of an interview by the Improper Bostonian with some pretty actress(Christy Scott Cashman, I looked it up) whose home-base is Boston or something like that(I didn't finish the interview...). She said something that stopped me. When asked if not having to worry about money made it easier to create work(paraphrased by me of course) she replied that, No, even though she didn't have to worry about money now she did feel an obligation to do soul-searching, and if she didn't then she couldn't be in the arts.

I think this is true for all day-to-day living and even to all pursuits. In myself I've noticed, since I've graduated, that I've become rather benign the past couple months since I've graduated. Once the motivating factor in my 16 year long endeavor(receiving a degree) was accomplished I became stagnate and bored and bordering on miserable. I have no, absolutely no, desire to make artwork beyond the idea that I should because I went to school for it. I hate this, however, I also don't want to force myself to draw when I really don't want to. There is a nagging voice at the back of my head that hints that maybe, just maybe, once I had started going to school for art I didn't have the courage, or maybe the insight, to realize it wasn't what would make me happy and do something to change that. I just kept hoping that I would suddenly like it again and want to do it all the time. I let it snow-ball until I had to finish or else it would all be for nothing and I was too busy to realize I didn't necessarily want to do what I was doing. Now I've graduated and I have two choices, pursue an art related career or don't.

It's not enough to just get the degree, I have to further myself as well to make it worth it. I can't work in a restaurant the rest of my life. I KNOW I don't want that. I'm looking into schools again, but this time for biology. There is something about learning how the natural world works, from nervous systems to bioluminescense that captures me and keeps me interested. I've always liked drawing from life and try to recreate textures and likenesses because I could. From my perspective this is related.

I suppose the point of my rambling is that no matter your profession, satisfaction is the death of desire(woot, quotes!). Maybe you have your degree, but you need to strive for something past that; maybe a masters?, An awesome, high profile job? If you finally get enough money to survive and even start saving big time, maybe you should settle the matters with your soul("God or no god?", "am I a good person?"), help someone by volunteering, or find the love of your life. If you have your money, your education, and the family you've always wanted then learn a new language, travel to a foreign country, take your kids skiing, learn your father's life story, eat SQUID!

We, as human beings who have progressed in intelligence and technology as much as we have, pack so much into our formative years that by the time we've reached 30 we've learned as much as we probably ever will and already have the jobs and money and family we "need". It should be expected that there is such a high rate of adultery. Even better though, this is why people have mid-life crisis'. If by 40 or 50 I see that I've kept the same job for 15 years it shouldn't be a surprise if I become bored. Within just 20 years most people experience their first step, day of school, period, kiss, drink, victory, life crisis, broken heart, and their first year of living on their own. We're conditioned as young adults to accept change and improvement as a way of life so being content is not something that settles naturally for us. Being content with a 9-5 for the rest of your life and a wife and kids isn't enough for most people.
For thousands of years people had to work and learn every day to insure that their life would get better every day. If people were meant to be content with "same ole' same ole" we wouldn't have become as advanced as we have. We would be the same as any ant, fish, or bear acting purely on instinct and basic needs. People should be encouraged to continuously learn and experience new things throughout their life instead of waiting for their life to become stagnate and redundant and act out in an embarrassing, potentially harmful/hurtful, or just plain insane way.

I am applying to colleges for biology and also for a bicycle mechanics/maintenance training program. And I want to learn Spanish. These are my goals right now because I'm unhappy and I'm going to change that.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Stuffy Head

My head is fuzzy, my nose is stuffy, I can't really think properly... I'm sick. The past several weeks I have assumed I'm allergic to my new place of work as I'm always sneezing and blowing my nose at work. It's gotten much worse over the last couple days and I think it's safe to say I'm sick as the symptoms have steadily increased a LOT during the past 12 hours even though I'm now at home.

This sucks. I need to work all day tomorrow and I can't afford to call out because I desperately need money. I'm on a money saving mission. Come December I start paying back student loans, and I want to visit Ryan next week. AND! Saturday I'm going to the Oyster Festival with my Dad. I can not be sick! I need to work!! I need to eat lots of oysters!! Oysters are a tradition now!

Concerning Ryan... I miss him quite a bit and I notice more and more each day how much I miss him. I hate feeling like such a miserable girl but my life after he moved compared to my life before he moved is completely different! I still hang out with all my other friends and have a good time, but what is great about hanging out with him is that on those days where I have nothing planned and am just lazy, he'd come over and be lazy with me and somehow, someway, it would be such an awesome day! Either we'd make tattoos, or cook something delicious, or attempt to go on a bike ride, or we'd just watch a movie and then talk for hours. Even "do-nothing" days were awesome. Now do-nothing days are just dull.

Talking to him on the phone is definitely the highlight of my days mostly because it's what we do best. It's not quite the same though. I like doing things with him too. I think that even if we didn't start dating I'd feel this way about him because we are bet friends and I saw him every day for no reason at all except to do awesome stuff.

He needs to move back.
I need some good decongestants.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Being Vegetarian/Pescatarian

Lately I've been incredibly irritated with the difficulties of being a pescatarian. When I cook for myself I have no problem finding things to make and eat. I have a really awesome cookbook with great soups, pasta dishes, and egg dishes. And I love cooking! I may one day eat meat again but I think if I do I will never again rely upon meat being the main dish in a meal. Being vegetarian means you need to be a little inventive when making dinner otherwise you end up eating pasta and pizza all the time.

As easy as it is for me to cook for myself, whenever I eat out or at a family function I always have difficulty finding something to eat. I also don't eat mayonnaise because I just find it weird, so when I go to barbecues or family dinner I usually end up eating potato chips and desert because all of the salads have mayo in them.

I do not love salad. People assume that because I'm a vegetarian I don't mind eating a salad while everyone else has hot dogs, burgers, turkey, stuffing, or chicken. I do like a good salad but it's not the only thing I eat. I like hot food just as much as any other person!

At restaurants I need to ask if the rice pilaf was made with chicken stock, or if there's bacon in the chowder. This is my own decision and I understand that most people eat meat. I don't mind having to be careful sometimes, however, I often find out after the fact that I ate meat because it wasn't listed on the menu that the soup had chicken in it or any number of examples.

I would just appreciate if I know I'm going to a family function or a bbq and I know in advanced there won't be an veggie alternative for me so that I can bring my own food. I wouldn't mind that.

Monday, September 29, 2008

In Ten Years

Where do I want to be in ten years?
Five years ago I wanted to be an artist in ten years. I wanted to be drawing and painting for magazines and making my own comics. I wanted to be on my way to financial stability and maybe buying a house or seeing the world. Potentially involved with a really great guy, maybe even married, though probably no kids.

Now? Now, in ten years the only thing I want is to know what I want to do with my life and to hopefully be either doing it or on my way to making it happen with minimal debt. I do know I want to make a difference. I want to be noticed. I want someone to be affected by what I do. "What I do" might be art related or science based, who knows. I might even do something crazy and be a motivational speaker, social worker, AA sponsor, fund-raiser or a really good dog groomer? Scratch the last one. I just don't want to be working shitty jobs for the rest of my life.

I plan on going to the UMass Open House, or hope to anyway.
That's al I can think of to write at the moment.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Being an artist

I used to be a shut-in, or maybe I just had a severe case of introversion. I had friends in my classes but I wasn't the type to hang out with my friends outside of school. I don't think I knew you could do that. I expressed myself with drawing and joining eclectic artist groups and forums online. I made friends through the internet and with my drawings. I read when I wasn't drawing or doing my homework and I thought I was okay with that.

Since I've gone to college I've broken my shell of seclusion and have many, what I'd like to think, close friends whom I love and would do anything for. These people are all genuinely good people and make me want to be a better person as well.

Since I began my higher education at the infamous MassArt I have slowly felt myself becoming less motivated as an artist. Maybe this is because I didn't have my online forums to impress, or I was just drained, or maybe I just stumbled upon an "artist's block". It may be one of these things, or all of these things, but what I most believe it was is that I now had *real* friends and I now expressed myself to them with words instead of on paper with colored pencil. I still don't feel as motivated as I once was.

I know I'm a talented artist and have a patience for minute detail and rendering that few others do. Despite this I'm stuck. I don't know what I want to do. I DO however know what I don't want to do. I don't want to work for an editor with a deadline, or a manager with a list of things I need to draw. I don't want to draw freelance for publications I don't care about. I don't want to work in an office making decals for mugs and keychains.

If I do decide to be an artist I want to make art that I want to make and that says something that I want to say. Does this make me an instant "fine artist"? Maybe, who knows; it depends on if I decide to make art.